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Vision is really the strongest thing about this piece. From the beginning, the reader can tell this is going somewhere, and that every scene has a purpose. Good job. :)

The plot of this reminds me very much of HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy. In it, there is a computer which has been invented to calculate the meaning of life. However, it takes very long to calculate, billions and billions of years, and it also requires the creation of a new planet (earth) which the computer observes in order to learn the meaning of life.

Because I felt your plot had already been done before, I've only awarded 2 stars in originality. Also, your sentence structure and metaphors are not particularly original either.

This goes in to Technique. Because there isn't a lot of variation on sentence structure, and because there are some grammar errors (sentences where you forgot to capitalize the first letter, and the last sentence is missing a period), I have only awarded 2 stars in Technique. Whenever a different character speaks, you need to start a new paragraph.

Also, many of the robot's encounters got rather repetitive after a bit. While I understand why you had the robot encounter all of these different people, I think it would be more interesting if a little bit more happened than the robot having the same conversation with all of them. For example, what would be the robot's reaction if the woman's baby carriage started to roll down the hill? How would saving a baby's life affect the robots view on life? On the other hand, how would letting the baby die affect the robot's view?

Despite the comparatively high rank in vision, the ending of the story was rather predictable and not really written in a way that left a strong impact. You could improve this by a more creative use of language, variety in sentence structure, or trying to "hide" the point of the story, leaving only a trail of bread crumbs so the reader can piece it together just before the delivery.

I hope this helps.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.


Diluculi Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
There are two points where I have to disagree with your critique, though I agree there a re a lot of spelling mistakes...

Whenever a different character speaks, you need to start a new paragraph.
I have to say I never heard of this rule before and I didn't saw this happening in many books as well.

The whole style is ment to be a simple story, so it follows the strucutre of fairy tales and simple child stories: simple sentences and repititions.
DamonWakes Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Student Writer
I hope you don't mind me butting in, but I think I might be able to clear something up. There definitely is a rule that new characters speaking get a new paragraph: I think you'd have difficulty finding a book where this wasn't the case.

However, I think you and ~witwitch might have different ideas about what a paragraph actually is. I notice that you sometimes just start a new line of text, and sometimes leave a blank line before starting a new line. Would I be right in guessing that you consider the individual "blocks" of text to be paragraphs, but the "plain" new lines (without a gap between them and the line above) not to be whole new paragraphs?

I ask because I've actually done this myself, though not in exactly the same way. I like the extra "layer" of meaning you can get by using both block paragraphs and just new lines. I usually make use of that by using just new lines for new characters speaking, but whole new paragraphs where the text demands it.

The thing is, this isn't really an accepted "style" of paragraphing and many would consider it to be incorrect. In all honesty, it probably is. Still, since you've gone down the road of using it (and I think at least for the lines beginning "The robot...", it's quite reasonable), it might be worth considering something of a middle ground between what you've got and what you "should" have. It's true that you need some sort of break when a new character speaks. However, since you're using this odd method of paragraphing, I might suggest using just a new line, rather than a gap between lines.

Then again, if you're not familiar with more traditional methods of paragraphing (block or indent), I'd suggest looking into them in more detail. Still, if this is what you want to do, and you've got a good reason for it, the option's there. :shrug: Hope this helps!
Diluculi Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
yes it does (at least for me) :)
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